


Nobody's Fault But Mine

by queentangerine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9x11 Coda, Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Loneliness, M/M, Post-Episode: s09e11 First Born
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 05:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queentangerine/pseuds/queentangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>9x11 Coda. </p><p>Dean is driving alone in the Impala, and he can't get Crowley's words out of his head: "Nobody hates you more than you do." Maybe he's right, but Dean just wishes he was home at the bunker, with someone to cheer him up. </p><p>[Second chapter, Cas POV]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_“Your problem is that nobody hates you more than you do.”_

No matter what Dean did he could not stop the accusation from continuously replaying in his head. Never mind that he’d long since kicked the demon out of his car. Never mind that he had his favorite album blaring, while driving fast down some forgotten country road, no idea where he was headed. He could feel the hum of the engine though his seat, and the wind in his face coming through the partially open window. It was a beautiful night, out there, but he wasn’t a part of it.

_“Your problem is that…”  
_

Goddamn Crowley. He couldn’t wait to be rid of him. Dean could never tell if the demon was trying to help him or hurt him. All he knew for sure is that he was scheming, and it wouldn’t end well, for Dean or anyone. And all Dean wanted was to keep anyone else from getting hurt.

_“…nobody hates you more than you do.”_

_Fuck this._ He jerked the wheel to the right, slammed on the breaks and parked the car on the side of the road. He could drive on to find a motel, but he was in the middle of nowhere, maybe even a little lost, hadn’t seen another car for hours. He’d spend so many nights curled up in the back seat, sometimes even preferred it to a lumpy mattress in some skeevy motel room. The Impala always felt safer, more like home.

He climbed awkwardly over his seat and crashed down into the back, quickly finding his familiar, comfortable position. Home was what he needed right now, and this was as close as he could get, alone in his car, far away from the only real home and family he had left. Sam and Cas, back at the bunker.

_“Where’s your brother now?”_

Cain’s words came to mind as he though of Sam. He felt a sharp sting on his right arm where Cain had left his mark, an escalation of the dull ache he’d felt since it was made.

Where was Sammy now? As far away as Dean could get from him, for his own good. He was so tired of being responsible for hurting everyone he loved, Sam just being the most recent in a long line. Dean was poison to everything he touched. Every decision he made culminating in grief, pain, and death, despite how hard he tried to do right.

_“You were stupid for the right reasons.”_

Cas was just trying to comfort him, but Dean knew his actions couldn’t be justified. Shouldn’t be. But Cas just wanted to help. And although Dean would never admit to it, it was nice to have someone tell him it wasn’t his fault, that he was doing the best he could, that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. Even if he never did believe it.

Dean shut his eyes tight, covered his face with his hands, and shifted around so he was lying on his back, knees bent.

_“You were stupid for the right reasons.”_

Cas. Why was it that he always seemed to know what to say to make him feel better? Why, after all the shit that Dean had put him through, did Cas still care to be around him? Still looked at him as if he was worth it, worth his time and friendship.

Dean felt he didn’t deserve it, but he could not put into words how grateful he was that he had Cas, even if he couldn’t be with him now. He regretted how little time had spent with his friend before they had to part again and it made him feel sick. His fault they were apart for so long.  

Dean thought maybe he should call him. Make sure he and Sammy were okay. He needed to know and Sam sure as hell wouldn’t pick up for him. He could ask Cas, and tell him… god, he didn’t know. But he’d only had Crowley and Cain to talk to for days and he’d kill to hear a familiar voice. The voice of someone who didn’t – who _couldn’t_ – hate him.

He opened his eyes and stared at the roof of the Impala, wishing he could see the stars through it. He arched his neck trying to get a good view out the window.

 _No,_ he thought. He wouldn’t talk to Cas tonight.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, as if it were trying to challenge his decision. Couldn’t be… but it was. A text from Cas, three simple words.

_Where are you?_

Dean stared at it, brushing his fingers over the keys, toying with a response. But he knew he wouldn’t send one. He didn’t have a satisfactory answer. He didn’t wanted to open the gates for a flood of questions, for Cas trying to convince him to come back, that he and Sam could help him, that… well maybe he did want that, but he _shouldn’t_ , and he was too tired to have that conversation.

But this wasn’t Cas asking him to come home. This was just Cas casually asking if he was okay, and he couldn’t lie to the angel. This was Cas indirectly letting him know that Sam hadn’t yet forgiven him. Cas informing him he couldn’t come back, but maybe he wanted him to.

Or maybe it was none of the above. But the fact remained that Dean had no idea where the hell he was. He wanted to go home, but he’d made his decision and he was going to stick with it. He put his phone back in his pocket and shut his eyes once more, wishing hard for sleep, but knowing it wouldn’t come. His thoughts were much too loud.

_“Your problem is that nobody hates you more than you do.”_


	2. Chapter 2

The bunker was quiet, in a peaceful way more than anything, but it did feel a little empty. Sam and Cas had spent the majority of the day trying to find the best way to hunt down Gadreel, but the last few hours they just been hanging out – if Cas was  using the term correctly.

Sam really seemed to have taken the advice Cas had given him to heart. He was still holding on to quite a bit of anger, although who could blame him. But he seemed much more relaxed than Cas had seen him in a while. They passed around some lighthearted banter while the casually researched, and it eventually dissolved to sitting around, drinking and talking. It wasn’t the easiest of conversations, as there were some out of bounds topics – Dean of course being the most taboo. But he just let Sam take the lead and sat listening and nodding, commenting when he could. 

But he couldn’t help but notice the empty chair at the table, the lack of Dean’s presence emphasized greatly by how carefully Sam was denying his existence in every story he told. Cas understood their feud, he did. In recent years it seemed all his own family did was fight, each believing they were following the right course of action. But Sam and Dean were meant to stay together, fight side by side, much stronger as a team.

But neither of them had spoken to Dean for days.

Cas took another sip of his beer and frowned. Yet another thing he missed from being human for those few brief months. At the end of one drink he’d already start to feel lightheaded and giddy, but now it would take an unspeakable amount of alcohol for him to feel intoxicated.

Across from him Sam yawned, said something about it being late, and headed off to bed with a quick smile.

Cas bid him goodnight but stayed alone at the table, not needing to sleep. He thought of Sam’s smile and it made him so glad to see that he had been able to help his friend. If he closed his eyes he could almost pretend he was back in his glory days as an angel. Answering prayers, lifting spirits, and orchestrating miracles. But that was a long time ago. Now the only miracle left on his to do list was helping Dean as he had helped Sam, and he knew it wouldn’t come as easy.

_“You were stupid for the right reasons.”_

But maybe it hadn’t come out right. He hadn’t seemed to want to listen. Now he was god knows where acting like he didn’t need them, and Cas was sitting alone in the bunker with an empty beer bottle in front of him.

He envied Sam’s ability to sleep, to just forget about everything for a few hours. He thinkss sleep ranks second on his list of favorite human things – right behind PB&J. Oh, PB&J. He shut his eyes, just in case sleep would come, but it was no use. He’d just stay and sit in silence for the night.

Or maybe not silence, he supposed he could watch some television. As he started to stand he heard something. Not from inside the bunker, but a voice coming through, in his head. Cas had learned to tune out prayers – they weren’t so relevant to him anymore. But some would still slip through – those belonging to one man in particular. He felt like he was intruding sometimes, he knew he wasn’t always meant to hear, but he couldn’t help but listen, like he was hypnotized by the voice.

He could only hear him because his thoughts were so strong they pushed through the static.

They were quiet tonight, but he could still catch a few words and at the very least feel the sentiment. _Maybe I’ll call,_ he heard, then something he couldn’t make out followed by _Sammy_. He felt regret, thankfulness, he felt longing, and all of a sudden the words _no, I won’t call Cas_ , drenched in loneliness.

And Cas couldn’t stand it. Dean had no idea he could hear him, but he still wanted to help his friend. He took out his phone and composed a text.

_Where are you?_

It was a simple question, but Cas hoped Dean knew what he was trying to say. _Why wasn’t he home with them? Why did he think he could just run away? Sure he’d made a mistake, but they’ve all made mistakes, and this was nothing he couldn’t come back from… so he should come back._ But most of all he really did just want to know where he was. Maybe he could go to him, talk to him. Tell him what he told Sam and maybe it would help him too.

But Dean couldn’t hear him, and his thoughts were fading, Cas was having trouble holding onto them. And then there was nothing. Cas just continued staring at his phone, knowing there would no response, but not wanting to look away just in case. He kept staring and listening, but there was nothing.

He didn’t realize how long he’d stayed that way until he heard Sam stirring in the other room. It was already morning but it had only felt like minutes. He stowed his phone in his pocket, ready to start another day of research.

But then all of a sudden he heard it buzz.

_Take care of Sammy._

That was all it said. No answer to his question, nothing about himself. Cas responded immediately.

_Sam is healed._

He felt a wave of relief wash over him that he knew was coming from Dean. _Thank you, Cas_ , he heard, clear as a bell. But he received no real response from the man.

He didn’t want to push his luck and say anything else without invitation. Communicating over the phone was so impractical when it came to real conversations. He just let it lie. 

By the end of the day he still hadn’t heard anything, so he decided to try again. 

_Where are you?_

But there was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if it's as successful as the first bit, but I wrote it so I'm posting it anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> FYI: Cas' conveniently timed text is no coincidence. I have this headcannon that Cas [when he's an angel] can hear Dean whenever he thinks or talks about him - accidental prayer, if you will. Going to write an actual fic about that at some point.


End file.
